Public information notice № 1

The machine wrote it. You approved it.

Software is now written faster than anyone can understand it. The Bureau of Slop Abatement asks all developers to remain calm, stay seated, and read the diff.

Check yourself for symptoms Or skip to the classified part →

This codebase has gone

days with someone who
understands what it does

Previous record: 1 (day of the first commit)

Lines generated since you arrived*: 0
Lines understood*: 0

What is slop?

A short definition, so that everyone is alarmed about the same thing.

slop /slɒp/ noun, uncountable, unfortunately

Software that was produced faster than it was understood.

“It passed review.” “Who reviewed it?” “It was a very large review.”

73%of pull requests over 1,000 lines are approved in under 90 seconds.
1 in 4new helper functions already existed, two folders away.
0people on the average team can explain the billing module without opening it.

Notice of correction

The Bureau invented all three of those numbers a moment ago. You did not check. They were large, they were tidy, and they agreed with you, so you nodded and kept scrolling. That is the entire mechanism by which slop enters a codebase.

Know the signs

Slop is rarely noticed at the time of infection. Most teams discover it months later, during an outage, from a customer.

1
Stage I: Early
- You approve changes you have not read, but you leave one comment, so it feels like reading.
- There are four functions that format a date. Each is used once.
- A pull request is described as “small” by the thing that wrote it.
- The phrase “it works on the happy path” is said out loud, as reassurance.
PrognosisTreatable. Usually dismissed as “velocity”.
2
Stage II: Advanced
- The tests pass. The tests test the mocks.
- The README describes a system you used to have.
- Questions about how login works are answered by asking an assistant, which reads the code and guesses. So do you.
- Nobody deletes anything, because nobody is sure what anything is for.
PrognosisSpreading. The codebase is now larger than the team’s memory of it.
3
Stage III: Terminal
- No single person can explain the system end to end. The system is fine with this.
- Onboarding consists of the sentence “just ask the agent”.
- A change is merged because rejecting it would require understanding it.
- You ask what the software is supposed to do, and the room looks at the software.
PrognosisStable, in the sense that a landfill is stable.

A field guide to common slop

Eight species every developer should be able to identify on sight. Each one is harmless alone. They are never alone.

Specimen 01
The Silent Catch
Exceptio devorata
```
try {
  await chargeCustomer(order)
} catch (e) {
  // ignore
}
```
Habitat
Anywhere money moves.
Survives review because
Nothing fails. Nothing ever fails again.
Specimen 02
The Fourth Formatter
Formatter quartus
```
formatDate(d)
formatDateNew(d)
formatDateV2(d)
formatDateFinal(d) // use this one
```
Habitat
utils/, helpers/, utils/helpers/ and lib/utils/helpers/.
Survives review because
Finding the first three would have required looking.
Specimen 03
The Narrator
Commentarius obvius
```
// Increment the counter by one
counter += 1

// Return the result
return result
```
Habitat
Directly above the line it describes.
Survives review because
From a distance it looks like documentation. Most review happens from a distance.
Specimen 04
The Premature Cathedral
Abstractio praecox
```
class NotificationStrategyFactoryProvider {
  // sends one email
}
```
Habitat
Wherever a function would have done.
Survives review because
It resembles engineering, and nobody wants to be the one who argued with engineering.
Specimen 05
The Mock Turtle
Testudo ficta
```
mockDb.getUser.mockReturnValue(user)

expect(mockDb.getUser()).toEqual(user)
// ✓ 1 passed
```
Habitat
Test suites with excellent coverage.
Survives review because
Coverage went up. Coverage is a number. Numbers get approved.
Specimen 06
The Load-Bearing Fallback
Defaultus optimisticus
```
// should never happen
const price = item.price ?? 0
```
Habitat
One line below the place it should have crashed.
Survives review because
It turned an error at 2 p.m. into a refund investigation in March.
Specimen 07
The Fossilised Conversation
Colloquium petrificatum
```
// Fixed the issue from the previous attempt.
// Now handles the case you mentioned.
```
Habitat
Comments addressed to someone who has left the room.
Survives review because
It is polite.
Specimen 08
The Part Nobody Touches
Terra incognita
No sample could be obtained.
Habitat
Your repository. You know the folder.
Survives review because
Nobody has opened it since 2022. The tests pass. Do not make eye contact.

Mandatory review drill

A pull request will arrive. Review it exactly as you would on an ordinary Tuesday. This is a drill. The real thing has more files.

#4812 · opened 4 minutes ago by an agent, on your behalf

refactor: small cleanup

+4,812 −37 · 61 files changed

+ export function formatDateFinal(date) {
+   // Format the date
+   return formatDateV2(date) ?? formatDateNew(date)
+ }
  
- if (!user.isAdmin) throw new Forbidden()
+ // Simplified permission check
  
+ try {
+   await retry(() => retry(() => sendInvoice(invoice)))
+ } catch {}
  
+ ALTER TABLE invoices DROP COLUMN paid_at;
  
- const TIMEOUT_MS = 3000
+ const TIMEOUT_MS = 300000 // tests were flaky
  
+ it('works', () => {
+   expect(true).toBe(true)
+ })
  
- // IMPORTANT: do not remove. See incident, March 2021.
- await ledger.reconcile()
  
+ class AbstractManagerFactory<T extends Manageable> {
+   // TODO: remove before merging
+ }
  
+ export const utils2 = { ...utils, ...helpers, ...utilsOld }
  
+ const price = item.price ?? 0 // should never happen

+ export function formatDateFinal(date) {
+   // Format the date
+   return formatDateV2(date) ?? formatDateNew(date)
+ }
  
- if (!user.isAdmin) throw new Forbidden()
+ // Simplified permission check
  
+ try {
+   await retry(() => retry(() => sendInvoice(invoice)))
+ } catch {}
  
+ ALTER TABLE invoices DROP COLUMN paid_at;
  
- const TIMEOUT_MS = 3000
+ const TIMEOUT_MS = 300000 // tests were flaky
  
+ it('works', () => {
+   expect(true).toBe(true)
+ })
  
- // IMPORTANT: do not remove. See incident, March 2021.
- await ledger.reconcile()
  
+ class AbstractManagerFactory<T extends Manageable> {
+   // TODO: remove before merging
+ }
  
+ export const utils2 = { ...utils, ...helpers, ...utilsOld }
  
+ const price = item.price ?? 0 // should never happen

Time under review

You have one job. It is the pull request.

Approved posters

For display in offices, team channels and the pull request description of your choice. Free to share. Unlike most things on this page, they were reviewed.

Read
the
diff.
Somebody has to.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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“LGTM” is not
a review.
It is a surrender with fewer letters.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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It
compiles.
So does everything.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Is your merge really necessary?
Think twice before shipping 4,000 lines you have not met.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Know what
you ship.
Someone should understand the system. Ideally more than zero people.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Loose prompts sink ships.
“Make it work” is not a specification.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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It did what
you asked.
Unfortunately, you asked it to “make it work”.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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I declare
it reviewed!
You can’t just say “LGTM” and expect the bugs to leave.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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After The Office
This could
happen
to you.
“The spec was not clear. Let me amend that.” The Machine
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Look
both ways.
You are the documentation.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Safe to
remove.
No one could remember why it was there.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Everything
is green.
Warning lights were disabled to reduce noise.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Built
to spec.
Breathing was not in the specification.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Tested and
approved.
The test bridge was on the ground.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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You are in
safe hands.
Each department assumed the other was holding him.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Follow
the manual.
The pit was added after the last update.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Temporary
solution.
Please do not move the chair.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Fully
automated.
Please feed the man inside.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Expert
assistance.
The parachute was described in considerable detail.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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You once
were the
documentation.
But buses run on velocity.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Full
modularity.
Without the right context, the outcome becomes unpredictable.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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50,000
is just
a number.
So are 100 lost customers.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Think.
We realise this was not in the estimate.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Accept all.
Find out.
Review it before your customers do.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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It does
everything.
You just
approve.
You are still named on the incident report.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Understanding
isn’t for
everyone.
Unfortunately, you’re on call.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Look them
in the eyes.
Tell them you read the diff.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Fiction
is not
knowledge.
Tell your team.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Built on
~~artificial~~
trust.
References have not been checked.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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In context
we trust.
Terms and omissions apply.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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50,000 lines.
One context
window.
Your instructions are somewhere in there.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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Approved by
Schrödinger.
Contents presumed satisfactory.
Bureau of Slop Abatement · killslop.dev
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In the event of slop

Please study this card before take-off. Your nearest exit may be several refactors behind you.

Stop generating.
More code will not help. More code is how you got here.
Locate a human who understands the system.
If no such human can be found, do not panic. This is now the most common configuration.
Do not ask the slop to explain itself.
It will. Fluently, and at length. That is not the same as being right.
Decide what the thing is supposed to do.
Then put that somewhere a person will actually look. Do this before the code: an old custom the Bureau is working to revive.
Then let the machines type.
They are very good at it. They were never the problem. See § 1.

The countermeasure

The Bureau is fictional. The problem is not. Neither is this part.

File BSA-8 · eyes only · yours will do

The people behind the Bureau are building a countermeasure: an actual developer tool, for teams who would like to keep understanding their software while the machines do the typing.

It is called . It works by , so that your team can without .

Further details are withheld, partly for effect.

Status: In development
Anti-AI: No
Satirical: Not this bit

Request clearance

Leave an address and you will get occasional updates: when it exists, what it is, and whether you can try it. Nothing else.

No drip campaign. No “just circling back”. No selling your address to anyone, including the Bureau.

Questions the Bureau is tired of

Is this a real government agency?: No. No government has this much self-awareness. KillSlop is satire, and the Bureau of Slop Abatement exists only on this page.
Is this anti-AI?: No. The Bureau generates code every day and feels fine about it. The campaign is against shipping software that nobody understands, a practice that long predates AI and has recently been issued a jetpack.
So is the slop coming from the tools, or from me?: Yes.
I am an engineering manager. Is my team affected?: You are reading a satirical website about code review during working hours. The Bureau has some news.
Who is behind this?: The Bureau’s staff build developer tools and have personally merged every specimen in § 3. There is a real product coming. See § 8.
What is the product?: That is covered in § 8, under the black rectangles. We realise this is annoying. It is also working.
May I use the posters?: Yes. Print them, post them, pin them to a pull request. If one of them prevents a single 4,000-line “small cleanup”, the Bureau will consider its budget justified. Its budget is zero.

The machine wrote it. You approved it.

What is slop?

Know the signs

Stage I: Early

Stage II: Advanced

Stage III: Terminal

A field guide to common slop

The Silent Catch

The Fourth Formatter

The Narrator

The Premature Cathedral

The Mock Turtle

The Load-Bearing Fallback

The Fossilised Conversation

The Part Nobody Touches

Mandatory review drill

Slop exposure self-assessment

Approved posters

In the event of slop

Stop generating.

Locate a human who understands the system.

Do not ask the slop to explain itself.

Decide what the thing is supposed to do.

Then let the machines type.

The countermeasure

Request clearance

Questions the Bureau is tired of